Time Out...from Love?

   
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, we must first make them feel worse?" - Jane Nelson

     This topic that i'm about to introduce might be a little touchy, because it is a discipline technique that is very commonly used among mothers.  This technique first came into play when a behavioral psychologist of the name B.F. Skinner started an experiment called "Control of Behavior in Chimpanzee and in Pigeons by Time Out From Positive Reinforcement."  This experiment used for training laboratory animals to do whatever act they wanted them to preform by using different schedules by which they were given rewards. Sometimes they would withhold food from them all together.  As a result of this research media started coming out with ways to use this to "train" children to do as we pleased by giving them a "time out" from our positive reinforcement.  You should all know by now that the discipline technique I am talking about here is the ever-popular "time out."
     I know its hard to get away from a technique that is so common to us all but hear me out!  There are both positive and negative forms of the "time out."  While we know our children are not animals and don't treat them that way, we can't preform the same learning techniques on them that they did to pigeons and chimps.  By banishing your child to their room or another corner of the house or by leaving them alone what positive reinforcement is being switched on or off?  What your taking away from the child is your presence, your attention, and your love.  We might not see it that way, but what matters is how our children see it.  How does making them feel worse for what they've done make them want to do better next time?  A positive time out supports that children "do better" when they "feel better."  I don't know about you, but I can't take a college exam when i'm feeling bad about myself or a mistake that I make.  My vision is clouded by my emotions. This brings us to positive time outs...
     Instead of forcing your child to go away from you maybe suggest that you both take a moment to collect yourselves.  Go with your child and sit down in a quiet part of the house and take a moment to become composed before you talk over what the problem is.  If the child refuses than just say "hmm, well okay, I think I still need a quiet moment."  It might not work right away but by modeling this behavior for your child, they are more likely to follow your lead. This more respectful form of time out allows your child to be involved in the process instead of making them victims or objects to be acted upon.  This method better teaches a child self discipline because they learn that they can't make rational decisions when they are so upset so they learn how to check their emotions and establish self-discipline.

Hmmm what might you be thinking after reading this...."well, my parents used "negative" forms of time outs on me and I turned out okay..."
-You did not turn out "okay", we as individuals and as a society can always be better than before.  Especially when the standard for comparison is the Savior.  New parenting techniques are about change, they are about knowing your individual child's needs and adapting to them, they help them and us to become better.

Feeding Them The Leftovers

 

  "Who here likes leftovers", is the short phrase that sparked my interest in Parenting class today.  I can smell a good analogy a mile away! I learned a lot today and wanted to share it with you...so here's what we cooked up in class.  Yes...there will be puns..everywhere.
     What in the world does parenting have to do with leftovers?  Well for analogy's sake lets say that the leftovers are parenting styles and techniques that have been acquired by you from other parents or influences in your life.  So I ask the question, are you going to feed your child the Leftovers?  Most likely the answer is yes, leftovers are easy....they're just there sitting in your fridge and waiting to be used up!  You go to them when you really just don't have time to put together anything else.
     Leftovers don't always need to be bad.  Our parents styles of raising us can't all have been terrible!   Maybe you like the main dish and decide to reheat that one and then throw on a new side dish to put their point across in a new way that might better fit your child's taste...(haha taste...its puny).  Maybe you teach your child a new concept and then put it in the fridge and reheat it every day for a snack and hope that the new concept they learned sticks! Those leftovers sure aren't bad.  Sometimes there's a great message that comes along with the first meal, one we shouldn't forget.
     Leftovers can also be looked at in another way.  Did you ever find yourself getting the leftovers growing up?  Maybe your parents were super busy with a younger sibling a lot of the time and were really just worn out by the time they got to you?  Maybe mom and dad got the leftovers by devoting everything to you (which is not bad), but they never gave themselves time to nurture and continue growing their relationship (not so good).
     New idea!  Would you ever feed a house guest leftovers?  I tried to think of a highly esteemed person that has methods that I don't quite agree with and even if they came over for dinner I wouldn't feed them leftovers.  I'd always give someone a fresh meal.  Children are special guests in our homes, know them and what they need and cater to that (haha... ;) cater..like a food caterer..its pun-..ok whatever).  God lets us have his children in our homes for a short time here on earth.  Cooking them a new meal might take a little more time than reheating leftovers, but I promise that it will be worth it to treat them like the individuals they are and to give them the quality and time that they deserve.  So put that week old meatloaf down the disposal and fork out the fresh Chicken Alfredo!  If I were a parent...my parenting style would sooooo be Alfredo.