Letting Kids Be Kids

     This blog post is a little near and dear to me.  As we talked about this concept of Parentification in class today it really struck a cord in my heart and pulled at my strings a little.  Parentification is when you have a mom and a dad in a parental subsystem.  In a normal family unit they are the head of the house and have a relationship separate from the children.  In parentification there are sometimes circumstances where the child is brought up and out of their role and is included into the parent adult world.
     This isn't always a bad thing, sometimes children can bring good things to the table but most of the time this can make the child feel a lot of responsibility and stress for matters that they should not be a part of at a young age.

Here is a list of some things that I feel children shouldn't have to deal with while growing up:

• Financial Stress of the Family
• One Parent Venting about the Other 
• Any form of Marital Issues Going On 
• Parent's Job Stress 
• And anything else you might think of that is individual to your family that might inappropriately stress out your little one.

Security and consistency is important for children. These issues listed up above if felt by the child make them grow up so quickly.  They feel the burden of adult responsibilities that should be talked about between the husband and wife...not with the child.  Help you kids, enjoy being kids. 

     It is understandable how this parentification might occur in your family.  When an individual feels stressed the most common way for them to try to release some of that stress is for them to bring other people in on the stress to share the burden.  Somehow this never fails to lesson your individual stress. It is good to learn some better support systems.  You have that spouse there to help and council with.  Try to strengthen that relationship and use them as your partner to discuss concerns with rather than using your child as your first line of defense.  You might not see the effects that this could have on your child right away, but they are very likely to resurface later in life.  

     If this sounds familiar to you, if you might have experienced this growing up.  It can be undone.  It might be difficult, but I loved talked about Contextual Therapy in class.  It is okay to feel upset about experiencing this as a child, it might be normal to feel like you missed out on something, but you need to work on forgiving your parents for this.  The ability to forgive can be found by looking at your parents through a bigger aperture, by looking at them in their full context.  Look at your mom or dad through the generations by which they were raised.  Through the generations that influenced them in influencing you and forgive them of this.  We all have a reason (even if it is buried somewhere deep within us) for why we handle situations in the way that we do.  Forgiveness is the only answer to finding solace.  Instead of looking at what you might have missed out, look within yourself to find what you can improve upon from how you were influenced.  The next generation can be different.

p.s. I forgot to mention that it is also important to still hear your child's voice and to involve them in family councils and decisions.  They should not feel that they are responsible for the whole adult decision, but they can feel like their opinion matters in your ultimate choice.  Family budgeting is great! But don't make your child worry if you are in a financially hard spot, that is an adult concern, along with any marital issues.  

Physical Punishment

Spanking...thats what we're talking about, ill just go ahead and put it right out there. 

     Before class this wednesday we were asked to read about punitive punishment. First of all  I looked up punitive in the online dictionary and it says "inflicting or aiming to inflict."  This sounds a lot more like "doing to" a child than "working with" them to solve a problem.  I thought about spanking before I went to class and even while I was in it, I was the only one in my group who thought under certain circumstances that it might be okay to give your child a little swat on the rear to get your point across...I listened to everyones comments and concerns and what touched me most and what changed my heart were the gospel perspectives on the matter. 

     I like what president Hinckley said about spanking your children "They get on your nerves now and again, I know. ...We understand because we have been through it. You will be far more successful with love as your watchword than you will be with a whip or lash or anything of the kind."  His empathy is great for parents going through hard times!  
If you as parents think of a time where you spanked your child or have thought of spanking your child...were you frustrated, upset, angry....in need of a serious back massage and a container of Ben and Jerry's?  The spirit will never work through anger....just like you should never spank your child out of anger or frustration.  Making your child do what you want them to do out of fear is so much less affective than getting them to do what is right out of love.  

     I'm not saying that you can never ever ever spank your child.  In class I heard a couple of good personal anecdotes about how this father had a son who was very hard to handle and did not listen to anything his parents told them and after various different techniques the father decided that he would spank his child once, and after he did his son never misbehaved in that manner again.  It was a "one and done" sort of situation. 
But these situations tend to be the exception rather than the rule.  My teacher guaranteed us that the spirit will not come to us and tell us that spanking is the first resort solution to disciplining our child.  Normally parents who spank don't do it only once...they use it because they think it will continue to work....it will lose its effect.  

     I liked that my teacher said "just because it happened to you, does not mean it is okay.  If it can't apply to doctrine and principals, maybe we need to take a step back and reevaluate."  ....I could never, in any circumstance, picture The Savior spanking a child. NEVERRRRR. That idea just does not fit in my mind.  If I have one of his little spirit children, I would want to treat them how he would.  That was what changed my mind in class. 

     For some of you, this spiritual application is not enough.  Thats okay...I have research :) This study is called "Report On Physical Punishment In The US: What Research Tells Us About Its Effects On Children" by: Elizabeth T. Gershoff Ph.D.

0. "There is little research evidence that physical punishment improves children's behavior in the long term. In contrast, there is substantial research evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes, including increased aggression, antisocial behavior, mental health problems, and physical injury. The clear connections between physical abuse and physical punishment that have been made in empirical research and in the child abuse statutes of several states suggest that reduction in parents' use of physical punishment should be included as integral parts of state and federal child abuse prevention efforts. "
   
   
   
   This report synthesizes one hundred years of social science research and many hundreds of published studies on physical punishment conducted by professionals in the fields of psychology, medicine, education, social work, and sociology, among other fields. The research supports several conclusions:
   

   • ♦  There is little research evidence that physical punishment improves children's behavior in the long term.
     
   • ♦  There is substantial research evidence that physical punishment makes it more, not less, likely that children will be defiant and aggressive in the future.
     
   • ♦  There is clear research evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes, including increased mental health problems.
     
   • ♦  There is consistent evidence that children who are physically punished are at greater risk of serious injury and physical abuse. 
     
     
          Research and Professionals are saying it is not okay.  For now, I am not a parent....I really don't see a problem with seeking some advice from a source that is scholarly and well informed.  If you would like to know more I have more articles that can support this idea. You don't have to change how you parent, and it doesn't make you a bad parent if you have spanked your child, my parents are fantastic and I think I might have been spanked once or twice......but just think about this new concept. 
     
     
     
     
     

Helping things go right.

   This blog post is a little more reflective than my other posts about parenting.  I want to make it a point to mention that the point of my posts is not to point a finger at certain parents or to tell them that they are bad at raising their children because they don't follow the ideals that Im writing about.  These are all just ideas.  Hypothetical ideas at that, seeing as how I'm not a momma yet.  But hey, someday I will be, and i'm married so sometimes I feel like a mom with my very playful and cute husband ;P Its never a bad idea to gain some new information and to take a look at concepts in a new and sometimes puzzling way.

     I really liked this quote from the book I am currently reading: "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. "It is easy for most of us to observe Bad Parenting on Parade, to watch people who are much more controlling than we are, and to take comfort from saying, "At least i'd never do that." But the real challenge is to reflect on the things we have been known to do and ask weather they're really in our child's best interest." All i'm really asking is that we take some time to reflect. 

     This quote takes me into my thought of the week.....how much control is too much control? Where do we find the balance?  We want our children to do what they're told but not because we as parents are demanding and authoritarian, but because our children have a warm and respectful relationship with us.  I believe that's when it all works best.  I like to think of how it works with my Heavenly Father.  I do what is right and follow the teachings of the gospel because of the love that I have for it and for Him in my life.  I don't think my obedience would be as lasting if it was done out of fear or destain.  

     Lets get real though, everyone gives in to the urge to over control their lives at least once in a while.  I know I do.  Those moments where I try to over control my life and manage every minute of it are usually the moments when i'm headed toward a breakdown!  When I let go and take a deep breath and become more willing to go with the flow, things run much more smoothly.  I think sometimes parenting will be like this.  I like my rules, but i'm fully aware that i'm going to need to let go of some of that when my little divine child needs me to cater to his/her specific needs. 

     We can all actually save a little time from discipling our children and trying to "control" them by just taking the time to teach them well right from the start. 

"Whatever our individual circumstances with our children, the key to effective parenting is to reverse the order of expenditure of time and energy.  It is to begin focusing our energy on helping things go right, rather than on handling them once they have gone wrong."  

This quote goes along with a story I read about a father and his sons.  He found out his sons were going to a pool hall after school to hangout.  He was worried right off the bat that this was a bad environment and was thinking of pouncing on them when they got home and forbidding them to go back into that place.  Instead he thought about it and cleared his friday's for the next month.  He took time and went with his sons to the pool hall to play pool every friday.  Then when he suggested that they find a new activity so that they wouldn't smell like a smokehouse whenever they came home from there, they agreed.  He took the time to spend time with his sons before an issue had even emerged and saved time that he later might have had to use "correcting" his children's mistakes.  

I'm not saying I'm unwilling to spend time helping my children recover after they make unwise choices, but i'm hoping that by being aware of different ways that I can balance my parenting control and discipline that this will hopefully give my children and I some great teaching moments.  I hope I can learn from them and that they can learn from me.  I wish to build a great mutual respect with them.  ....Here's to being hopeful for what the future can bring, I don't want to be fearful of everything that can go wrong and become over controlling, I just want to work on trying to help things to go right instead.