ADHD and the DSM

    There are serious cases of people out there who need medicine and medical attention.  However, that being said, if there's one thing that i've learned so far in my psychology classes and in my culture and gender class this semester, its that it is far to easy to go to the doctor and answer 5 questions and walk out with a prescription for whatever ails you (kids in my class have gone to the local doctor and tested this.) 

     Lets take the specific diagnosis of ADD or ADHD for example, have you ever read the DSM's

(The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) criteria for this disorder? Here...i'll paste it below so you can take a look at it...

1. Inattention: Six or more symptoms of inattention for children up to age 16, or five or more for adolescents 17 and older and adults; symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months, and they are inappropriate for developmental level:
• Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
• Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities.
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
• Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked).
• Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.
• Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
• Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones).
• Is often easily distracted
• Is often forgetful in daily activities.

.....If you take a look at this and then assume that a "normal child" is the opposite of a child fitting these criteria for a child with ADHD then you would be saying that a healthy child: Does not make careless mistakes on their homework, pays good attention in their activities and tasks at hand, pays attention whenever you are speaking to them, always completes homework and chores, is well organized, likes participating in activities that require mental effort for extended periods of time, does not lose their toys/shoes/pencils, and is not distracted or forgetful.....how is this realistic for any child from 4 to 16 years of age?

       Also....we need to define the word "often"......what is often?? After reading these symptoms I'm convinced that I have ADHD.....who can blame a young child for not always wanting to sit still for a 7 hour period of school.  We also commonly say that our children are "suffering from ADHD"....really? are they the ones running around and energetically "suffering" from ADHD or are the ones that are suffering school teachers and parents with especially rambunctious little ones?

I am positive that there are children out there who need medicine for this disorder...what I am not positive of however is that every child who might fit this criteria "has a problem."  The medicine that we give our children has a lasting and scary effect on them and if not given correctly could be harmful.  I only write about this because, what if my children are a crazy ball of energy and I have a teacher that comes up to me and tells me they have ADHD? ...Do I medicate my child because they don't fit the mold of what society deems as "normal or appropriate" in certain social settings.  

I still don't have the answer on what I would do....but I do know that if you went into the doctors office with a common cold you could fit a ton of the criteria for having depression and come away with medicine for it.  Is it too easy to get medicine, and is it even the doctor's fault?  We pay them to make us better and thats all that they're trying to do. I guess what my point of view is...we have to find the balance between believing any diagnosis we are given and knowing when we actually need help.  The DMS is not the medical bible, you can't just read it and diagnose yourself or others with a disorder. 

Cheers!

Here's to celebrating our differences! This blog has talked about parenting principals and techniques that I have learned over the past semester.  There are so many more applications and principals out there that I have not even touched on or learned about.  How will I keep learning about them without my parenting class when the semester comes to an end!?!

Here's to my examples...the people who I would be lucky to become and learn from.

My sisters.

And my mothers! 

     These women know how to love unconditionally.  They all parent differently and they're all doing it right!  All of their children are different so why wouldn't they all use different applications?!  Sure I liked a lot of the techniques I learned about in class this semester, but that doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to think that everything is going to work out perfectly just as i've written it.  Children have individual spirits that have individual needs. Our differences are what will make us the best moms for our children!  Here's to celebrating our different views and respecting each other as women in the kingdom! I love you all! 

Competent Giants

This Blog post is about how we talk to children.  This includes our tone of voice and comments made on their character.  We did an exercise in class where a student stood on a chair and hovered over us and gave us a tongue lashing!  I instantly felt small, and ashamed, judged, confused, angry, embarrassed, and a handful of other emotions that i'm sure children experience when we as adults reprimand them.

I know that children make mistakes and sometimes are pretty naughty and need a little reprimanding. I suggest that we make sure not to attack their character and attribute it to their actions.  I wasn't quite sure how to say this in my own words but we watched a video that I think says it much better than I could have.  Please take a look!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csj04h3zpFo

This is a pretty short post but I think the video speaks for itself.  Treat our children how we would treat our guests.  When they make mistakes help them!  When one of my classmates was hovering over me I was instantly afraid and wanted out of that situation.  I can't image this would be a very effective way to help children learn.  I feel like it would be better to get on their level and talk to them like they're a human being.  Just a thought.

Letting Kids Be Kids

     This blog post is a little near and dear to me.  As we talked about this concept of Parentification in class today it really struck a cord in my heart and pulled at my strings a little.  Parentification is when you have a mom and a dad in a parental subsystem.  In a normal family unit they are the head of the house and have a relationship separate from the children.  In parentification there are sometimes circumstances where the child is brought up and out of their role and is included into the parent adult world.
     This isn't always a bad thing, sometimes children can bring good things to the table but most of the time this can make the child feel a lot of responsibility and stress for matters that they should not be a part of at a young age.

Here is a list of some things that I feel children shouldn't have to deal with while growing up:

• Financial Stress of the Family
• One Parent Venting about the Other 
• Any form of Marital Issues Going On 
• Parent's Job Stress 
• And anything else you might think of that is individual to your family that might inappropriately stress out your little one.

Security and consistency is important for children. These issues listed up above if felt by the child make them grow up so quickly.  They feel the burden of adult responsibilities that should be talked about between the husband and wife...not with the child.  Help you kids, enjoy being kids. 

     It is understandable how this parentification might occur in your family.  When an individual feels stressed the most common way for them to try to release some of that stress is for them to bring other people in on the stress to share the burden.  Somehow this never fails to lesson your individual stress. It is good to learn some better support systems.  You have that spouse there to help and council with.  Try to strengthen that relationship and use them as your partner to discuss concerns with rather than using your child as your first line of defense.  You might not see the effects that this could have on your child right away, but they are very likely to resurface later in life.  

     If this sounds familiar to you, if you might have experienced this growing up.  It can be undone.  It might be difficult, but I loved talked about Contextual Therapy in class.  It is okay to feel upset about experiencing this as a child, it might be normal to feel like you missed out on something, but you need to work on forgiving your parents for this.  The ability to forgive can be found by looking at your parents through a bigger aperture, by looking at them in their full context.  Look at your mom or dad through the generations by which they were raised.  Through the generations that influenced them in influencing you and forgive them of this.  We all have a reason (even if it is buried somewhere deep within us) for why we handle situations in the way that we do.  Forgiveness is the only answer to finding solace.  Instead of looking at what you might have missed out, look within yourself to find what you can improve upon from how you were influenced.  The next generation can be different.

p.s. I forgot to mention that it is also important to still hear your child's voice and to involve them in family councils and decisions.  They should not feel that they are responsible for the whole adult decision, but they can feel like their opinion matters in your ultimate choice.  Family budgeting is great! But don't make your child worry if you are in a financially hard spot, that is an adult concern, along with any marital issues.  

Physical Punishment

Spanking...thats what we're talking about, ill just go ahead and put it right out there. 

     Before class this wednesday we were asked to read about punitive punishment. First of all  I looked up punitive in the online dictionary and it says "inflicting or aiming to inflict."  This sounds a lot more like "doing to" a child than "working with" them to solve a problem.  I thought about spanking before I went to class and even while I was in it, I was the only one in my group who thought under certain circumstances that it might be okay to give your child a little swat on the rear to get your point across...I listened to everyones comments and concerns and what touched me most and what changed my heart were the gospel perspectives on the matter. 

     I like what president Hinckley said about spanking your children "They get on your nerves now and again, I know. ...We understand because we have been through it. You will be far more successful with love as your watchword than you will be with a whip or lash or anything of the kind."  His empathy is great for parents going through hard times!  
If you as parents think of a time where you spanked your child or have thought of spanking your child...were you frustrated, upset, angry....in need of a serious back massage and a container of Ben and Jerry's?  The spirit will never work through anger....just like you should never spank your child out of anger or frustration.  Making your child do what you want them to do out of fear is so much less affective than getting them to do what is right out of love.  

     I'm not saying that you can never ever ever spank your child.  In class I heard a couple of good personal anecdotes about how this father had a son who was very hard to handle and did not listen to anything his parents told them and after various different techniques the father decided that he would spank his child once, and after he did his son never misbehaved in that manner again.  It was a "one and done" sort of situation. 
But these situations tend to be the exception rather than the rule.  My teacher guaranteed us that the spirit will not come to us and tell us that spanking is the first resort solution to disciplining our child.  Normally parents who spank don't do it only once...they use it because they think it will continue to work....it will lose its effect.  

     I liked that my teacher said "just because it happened to you, does not mean it is okay.  If it can't apply to doctrine and principals, maybe we need to take a step back and reevaluate."  ....I could never, in any circumstance, picture The Savior spanking a child. NEVERRRRR. That idea just does not fit in my mind.  If I have one of his little spirit children, I would want to treat them how he would.  That was what changed my mind in class. 

     For some of you, this spiritual application is not enough.  Thats okay...I have research :) This study is called "Report On Physical Punishment In The US: What Research Tells Us About Its Effects On Children" by: Elizabeth T. Gershoff Ph.D.

0. "There is little research evidence that physical punishment improves children's behavior in the long term. In contrast, there is substantial research evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes, including increased aggression, antisocial behavior, mental health problems, and physical injury. The clear connections between physical abuse and physical punishment that have been made in empirical research and in the child abuse statutes of several states suggest that reduction in parents' use of physical punishment should be included as integral parts of state and federal child abuse prevention efforts. "
   
   
   
   This report synthesizes one hundred years of social science research and many hundreds of published studies on physical punishment conducted by professionals in the fields of psychology, medicine, education, social work, and sociology, among other fields. The research supports several conclusions:
   

   • ♦  There is little research evidence that physical punishment improves children's behavior in the long term.
     
   • ♦  There is substantial research evidence that physical punishment makes it more, not less, likely that children will be defiant and aggressive in the future.
     
   • ♦  There is clear research evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes, including increased mental health problems.
     
   • ♦  There is consistent evidence that children who are physically punished are at greater risk of serious injury and physical abuse. 
     
     
          Research and Professionals are saying it is not okay.  For now, I am not a parent....I really don't see a problem with seeking some advice from a source that is scholarly and well informed.  If you would like to know more I have more articles that can support this idea. You don't have to change how you parent, and it doesn't make you a bad parent if you have spanked your child, my parents are fantastic and I think I might have been spanked once or twice......but just think about this new concept. 
     
     
     
     
     

Helping things go right.

   This blog post is a little more reflective than my other posts about parenting.  I want to make it a point to mention that the point of my posts is not to point a finger at certain parents or to tell them that they are bad at raising their children because they don't follow the ideals that Im writing about.  These are all just ideas.  Hypothetical ideas at that, seeing as how I'm not a momma yet.  But hey, someday I will be, and i'm married so sometimes I feel like a mom with my very playful and cute husband ;P Its never a bad idea to gain some new information and to take a look at concepts in a new and sometimes puzzling way.

     I really liked this quote from the book I am currently reading: "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. "It is easy for most of us to observe Bad Parenting on Parade, to watch people who are much more controlling than we are, and to take comfort from saying, "At least i'd never do that." But the real challenge is to reflect on the things we have been known to do and ask weather they're really in our child's best interest." All i'm really asking is that we take some time to reflect. 

     This quote takes me into my thought of the week.....how much control is too much control? Where do we find the balance?  We want our children to do what they're told but not because we as parents are demanding and authoritarian, but because our children have a warm and respectful relationship with us.  I believe that's when it all works best.  I like to think of how it works with my Heavenly Father.  I do what is right and follow the teachings of the gospel because of the love that I have for it and for Him in my life.  I don't think my obedience would be as lasting if it was done out of fear or destain.  

     Lets get real though, everyone gives in to the urge to over control their lives at least once in a while.  I know I do.  Those moments where I try to over control my life and manage every minute of it are usually the moments when i'm headed toward a breakdown!  When I let go and take a deep breath and become more willing to go with the flow, things run much more smoothly.  I think sometimes parenting will be like this.  I like my rules, but i'm fully aware that i'm going to need to let go of some of that when my little divine child needs me to cater to his/her specific needs. 

     We can all actually save a little time from discipling our children and trying to "control" them by just taking the time to teach them well right from the start. 

"Whatever our individual circumstances with our children, the key to effective parenting is to reverse the order of expenditure of time and energy.  It is to begin focusing our energy on helping things go right, rather than on handling them once they have gone wrong."  

This quote goes along with a story I read about a father and his sons.  He found out his sons were going to a pool hall after school to hangout.  He was worried right off the bat that this was a bad environment and was thinking of pouncing on them when they got home and forbidding them to go back into that place.  Instead he thought about it and cleared his friday's for the next month.  He took time and went with his sons to the pool hall to play pool every friday.  Then when he suggested that they find a new activity so that they wouldn't smell like a smokehouse whenever they came home from there, they agreed.  He took the time to spend time with his sons before an issue had even emerged and saved time that he later might have had to use "correcting" his children's mistakes.  

I'm not saying I'm unwilling to spend time helping my children recover after they make unwise choices, but i'm hoping that by being aware of different ways that I can balance my parenting control and discipline that this will hopefully give my children and I some great teaching moments.  I hope I can learn from them and that they can learn from me.  I wish to build a great mutual respect with them.  ....Here's to being hopeful for what the future can bring, I don't want to be fearful of everything that can go wrong and become over controlling, I just want to work on trying to help things to go right instead.

    

Time Out...from Love?

   
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, we must first make them feel worse?" - Jane Nelson

     This topic that i'm about to introduce might be a little touchy, because it is a discipline technique that is very commonly used among mothers.  This technique first came into play when a behavioral psychologist of the name B.F. Skinner started an experiment called "Control of Behavior in Chimpanzee and in Pigeons by Time Out From Positive Reinforcement."  This experiment used for training laboratory animals to do whatever act they wanted them to preform by using different schedules by which they were given rewards. Sometimes they would withhold food from them all together.  As a result of this research media started coming out with ways to use this to "train" children to do as we pleased by giving them a "time out" from our positive reinforcement.  You should all know by now that the discipline technique I am talking about here is the ever-popular "time out."
     I know its hard to get away from a technique that is so common to us all but hear me out!  There are both positive and negative forms of the "time out."  While we know our children are not animals and don't treat them that way, we can't preform the same learning techniques on them that they did to pigeons and chimps.  By banishing your child to their room or another corner of the house or by leaving them alone what positive reinforcement is being switched on or off?  What your taking away from the child is your presence, your attention, and your love.  We might not see it that way, but what matters is how our children see it.  How does making them feel worse for what they've done make them want to do better next time?  A positive time out supports that children "do better" when they "feel better."  I don't know about you, but I can't take a college exam when i'm feeling bad about myself or a mistake that I make.  My vision is clouded by my emotions. This brings us to positive time outs...
     Instead of forcing your child to go away from you maybe suggest that you both take a moment to collect yourselves.  Go with your child and sit down in a quiet part of the house and take a moment to become composed before you talk over what the problem is.  If the child refuses than just say "hmm, well okay, I think I still need a quiet moment."  It might not work right away but by modeling this behavior for your child, they are more likely to follow your lead. This more respectful form of time out allows your child to be involved in the process instead of making them victims or objects to be acted upon.  This method better teaches a child self discipline because they learn that they can't make rational decisions when they are so upset so they learn how to check their emotions and establish self-discipline.

Hmmm what might you be thinking after reading this...."well, my parents used "negative" forms of time outs on me and I turned out okay..."
-You did not turn out "okay", we as individuals and as a society can always be better than before.  Especially when the standard for comparison is the Savior.  New parenting techniques are about change, they are about knowing your individual child's needs and adapting to them, they help them and us to become better.

Feeding Them The Leftovers

 

  "Who here likes leftovers", is the short phrase that sparked my interest in Parenting class today.  I can smell a good analogy a mile away! I learned a lot today and wanted to share it with you...so here's what we cooked up in class.  Yes...there will be puns..everywhere.
     What in the world does parenting have to do with leftovers?  Well for analogy's sake lets say that the leftovers are parenting styles and techniques that have been acquired by you from other parents or influences in your life.  So I ask the question, are you going to feed your child the Leftovers?  Most likely the answer is yes, leftovers are easy....they're just there sitting in your fridge and waiting to be used up!  You go to them when you really just don't have time to put together anything else.
     Leftovers don't always need to be bad.  Our parents styles of raising us can't all have been terrible!   Maybe you like the main dish and decide to reheat that one and then throw on a new side dish to put their point across in a new way that might better fit your child's taste...(haha taste...its puny).  Maybe you teach your child a new concept and then put it in the fridge and reheat it every day for a snack and hope that the new concept they learned sticks! Those leftovers sure aren't bad.  Sometimes there's a great message that comes along with the first meal, one we shouldn't forget.
     Leftovers can also be looked at in another way.  Did you ever find yourself getting the leftovers growing up?  Maybe your parents were super busy with a younger sibling a lot of the time and were really just worn out by the time they got to you?  Maybe mom and dad got the leftovers by devoting everything to you (which is not bad), but they never gave themselves time to nurture and continue growing their relationship (not so good).
     New idea!  Would you ever feed a house guest leftovers?  I tried to think of a highly esteemed person that has methods that I don't quite agree with and even if they came over for dinner I wouldn't feed them leftovers.  I'd always give someone a fresh meal.  Children are special guests in our homes, know them and what they need and cater to that (haha... ;) cater..like a food caterer..its pun-..ok whatever).  God lets us have his children in our homes for a short time here on earth.  Cooking them a new meal might take a little more time than reheating leftovers, but I promise that it will be worth it to treat them like the individuals they are and to give them the quality and time that they deserve.  So put that week old meatloaf down the disposal and fork out the fresh Chicken Alfredo!  If I were a parent...my parenting style would sooooo be Alfredo.

What it takes to write it on your heart...

     Hey!  This semester of college I decided to keep another blog to make the information that I am learning more meaningful to me.  Our teacher asked us if we would read our notebooks after 50 years...my thoughts were "I thought we had a bonfire to burn all of our school notebooks when we graduate to celebrate!" Sooo obviously a notebook isn't as meaningful to me as a blog where I can express my feelings openly and receive feedback from other interested readers such as yourselves.
     These blogs this semester will be centered around parenting! Wohoo! I'm not a parent so i'm looking forward to comments from promom's who really know their stuff and can tell me what does and does not work.
   This week in class we learned the concept of Doctrines, Principals, and Applications. These are three very different concepts that come together to possibly create something great.  We tell kids all the time "no, don't do that", "take out the trash", "clean your room".  We've all been on the receiving line of these chores, "to do lists", and commands.  We commonly found ourselves asking the question "but mom, whyyy" *in a slightly whiney prepubescent tone*.  All of those requests/commands from the parent are known as applications.  The answer to why we need to do those things as kids is very important.  There is always a deeper meaning to the application.  These are known as doctrines and principals.
     Doctrines and principals are more easily understood in a gospel setting, and they are what most of us are familiar with so lets start there.  Take the sacrament for example.  The doctrine of the sacrament is that we have the Atonement of Jesus Christ available to us and that He died for our sins. The principal connected to that is that we believe in the Gospel and this saving ordinance.  The application is that we go and take some water and bread and partake of this sacrament every sunday.  Without the doctrine and the principals which answer the questions "why" and "what" the application is merely the action of eating bread and drinking some water.  Those actions have no meaning.
     Doctrines and principals are the concepts that become written upon our hearts.  When we are parenting the chore of having our kids do the laundry or clean their room does not become written upon their heart...but the doctrine that God gave us families and the plan of salvation here on the earth and the principal that each family member has his or her divine role to carry out is what becomes the driving force.
     The application might change, but the principals won't.  If children can understand "why" they are doing something and see the greater purpose the application becomes easier to accomplish.  Don't let the application be disconnected from the principal or emptiness will follow.