Time Out...from Love?

   
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, we must first make them feel worse?" - Jane Nelson

     This topic that i'm about to introduce might be a little touchy, because it is a discipline technique that is very commonly used among mothers.  This technique first came into play when a behavioral psychologist of the name B.F. Skinner started an experiment called "Control of Behavior in Chimpanzee and in Pigeons by Time Out From Positive Reinforcement."  This experiment used for training laboratory animals to do whatever act they wanted them to preform by using different schedules by which they were given rewards. Sometimes they would withhold food from them all together.  As a result of this research media started coming out with ways to use this to "train" children to do as we pleased by giving them a "time out" from our positive reinforcement.  You should all know by now that the discipline technique I am talking about here is the ever-popular "time out."
     I know its hard to get away from a technique that is so common to us all but hear me out!  There are both positive and negative forms of the "time out."  While we know our children are not animals and don't treat them that way, we can't preform the same learning techniques on them that they did to pigeons and chimps.  By banishing your child to their room or another corner of the house or by leaving them alone what positive reinforcement is being switched on or off?  What your taking away from the child is your presence, your attention, and your love.  We might not see it that way, but what matters is how our children see it.  How does making them feel worse for what they've done make them want to do better next time?  A positive time out supports that children "do better" when they "feel better."  I don't know about you, but I can't take a college exam when i'm feeling bad about myself or a mistake that I make.  My vision is clouded by my emotions. This brings us to positive time outs...
     Instead of forcing your child to go away from you maybe suggest that you both take a moment to collect yourselves.  Go with your child and sit down in a quiet part of the house and take a moment to become composed before you talk over what the problem is.  If the child refuses than just say "hmm, well okay, I think I still need a quiet moment."  It might not work right away but by modeling this behavior for your child, they are more likely to follow your lead. This more respectful form of time out allows your child to be involved in the process instead of making them victims or objects to be acted upon.  This method better teaches a child self discipline because they learn that they can't make rational decisions when they are so upset so they learn how to check their emotions and establish self-discipline.

Hmmm what might you be thinking after reading this...."well, my parents used "negative" forms of time outs on me and I turned out okay..."
-You did not turn out "okay", we as individuals and as a society can always be better than before.  Especially when the standard for comparison is the Savior.  New parenting techniques are about change, they are about knowing your individual child's needs and adapting to them, they help them and us to become better.